downright cruelty

How dangerous can out thoughts be?

2005-03-31T18:58:00.000-05:00

I'm sitting in the union's office, staring at the computer screen and googling anything that comes to mind. How pathetic. All my friends are doing something right now and Chris left for his Intensive class.

Yesterday evening, on my way back from babysitting i saw Steve in the metro. I kept going up the escalator and i guess he thought i wasn't gonna stop to talk to him. But i did. I'm not going to lie. I still feel that sexual tension between us. It's so obvious, especially when i try not to look at him. We talked for a bit, which felt like too much. He told me that he stop looking for a girlfriend and i pretended to be happy for him and told him that now i was sure that he was gonna find someone. Everytime he mentions Chris it's i feel like he thinks that i'm just dating Chris to get back at him for not have approched me. It's not, right? No It's not that.

Yet, the thought really bothered me. Can you get to a future if your past is not cleared out? Do we have to solve whetever issues were left behind? Or are we able to ignore them completely and just go on living our lives? The issue here is not so much Steve but the fact that i still thought about him in ways that i shouldn't. Does it really matter after all? Am i being too much of a saint? And if i am still thinking about Steve that way what happens to everything i said to Chris? Does it change? Does it have less value? Is it all a lie? And worse of all...am i deceiving myself?

It stresses me out to think about it. I mean, he said that he thought i was the one for him, but is he the one for me? And should i even be thinking about these things at age twenty one?

Ironically i just got a headache.

As i previously mentioned Chris went to his Intensive today. I was jealous of all those bitches in his program and told him that he knows what would happen if he did something with one of them. I despise being like this and to be honest i don't think Chris would cheat on me, it's just not in his character. Yet, i caught myself wondering if i would ever cheat on him and just the thought made me feel as small as ever. Have i changed that much since i met Chris? Is it possible that i ever will?

The wait for the one...done?

2005-03-29T20:03:00.000-05:00

So i'm back in school and counting the days for it to be over. There's five weeks left and i find myself wanting to stay up for two days straight wanting to finish everything ahead of time and getting it over with.

My break ended very well. Me and Chris spent an awesome end of afternoon together yesterday and he brought me a surprise. He actually made little chocolates for me. I told him i can make him rice and that's about it. After having pizza and going for tea (yes, i'm cutting down on caffeine and i actually found out that i can really enjoy tea). We talked for hours and soon after our first silent moment he asked me the following question: Do you think of us together in the future? Of course i had to make things more comlicated for him and asked him to define future "family kinda future" he said. I knew he was gonna ask me that. Don't ask me why, it was just a feeling (how scary). I answered with some hesitation that yes, i did and i tried not to 'cause i mean i'm 121 and he's 118 (almost 119). We were both completely red yet, we still kinda talked about it. And i said that the reason why i tried to avoid thinking about it is because i just never thought it was gonna happen for me to find someone that i wanted to spend a loooong time with by the time i was twenty one. It's scary i can't deny it and yes, i do have many doubts but so far i can honetsly say that i'm completely in love with crhsi and that i would wanna marry him if we stayed together for a long time. And he explained why he had asked me the other day how my parents met and also that he wanted to get at my dad's good side to, one day, ask him his permission to marry me. Yeah that's right my heart stopped for a few seconds there. Crazy conversation.

I spent a very nice weekend at Kris's house and we had a lot of fun. I miss us. It was awesome we are really close and we went for tea and talked about random stuff. Funny thing is i told him that i could really see myself with Chris in the future (yes, i said that before Chris asked me that). Really odd.

The Conversation Test

2005-03-24T22:04:00.000-05:00

After a long day walking around the mall i met shawn for coffee and out of the blue he made a comment about me having a boyfriend. "That's so cool, you have a boyfriend" were his exact words. It's funny 'cause that immediately made me realize that me and Chris have been together for almost two months. Wow you say, almost two months. But that's a lot for me considering that two months and a half ago i was a cold hearted bitch who wanted to bnecome a lesbian and possibly murder all ex-boyfriends, flings and fancies i had in the past twenty one years. Not Bad.

The conversation followed by me saying that everything is as perfect as it can get. Yet, sometimes i find myself wanting some drama. You know, drama..."i hate you...I love you...i don't wanna see you ever again...don't ever leave me" kinda drama. I find that some drama is not bad. It actually adds to the relationship. I said "some drama", which is, of course, not the whole soapopera kinda drama.

Me and Chris spent a great afternoon together. Went to a buffet and talked about random stuff. Yes, that's right...we talked. I told shawn that Chris is passing one of my main tests which is the "conversation test". Let me explain. Most of the boyfrineds i've had were never really the talking kind. No, i'm lying. In most of my past relationships i can't remember me and my exes spending a whole afternoon together talking. Talking is one of the main "traits" of a friendship, right? Right. And Friendship is, in my opinion one of the main things in a relationship. There you go. All i meant to say is that, yes, there are some silent moments but i don't feel uncomfortable and looking out the window to comment on the weather. Yet, most of the time we just talk and that's cool 'cause that means he is not only my boyfriend but also my friend. I'm starting to sound like a retard.

I also met his sister and she is pretty cool. Chris told me that she liked me. Okay, next step is his mom. Yes, i'm bound to meet his mom pretty soon. Scary, eh? I'm certainly shitting on my pants.

Chris started blogging a couple of days ago but we decided not to show each other our blogs 'cause if we do i can't write stuff about him or anything that has to do with him. No, that can't happen. Yes, i'm very curious to read his blog, maybe i'll find it one day. And yes, i've tried google.

I'm on spring break right now...can't wait till summer.

Caroline in Applicationland and other stories.

2005-02-05T16:11:00.000-05:00

If someone invented a machine that fabricated time i'm sure he would be the richest person in the world. And he'd deserve the wealth. If you think about it, although most of us don't wanna admit, our lives revolve around time, time for school, time to eat, time to get up and go to bed, time to have sex, time to take showers. And even when we're on vacation we, more or less guide our activities through our watch, time to go to the beach and the right time to get a tan (since it's not advisable to get sun from 10 to 3). No matter where we choose to go or what we choose to do time is always there, it's one of the only things that follows us 24/7, night and day and it's certain that it'll always be there.

I have now in front of me Concordia University's application. It's here, right in front of me and i can't hlp but simply stare at it and hope that my hands will at some point reach for a pen. Yes, i'm scared. It sounds very cliche, but i honestly thought this moment was never going to come, and believe me, i was happy with it not coming, i was happy with the idea that one day and a long time from now it was gonna come. But hey, it's here. Maybe the same guy who would invent that machine that fabricates time could also invent a machine to go back in time and freeze there. Two machines, both related to time. In this situation, i can't help but think that we are slaves of time and if we are is time the only thing that really counts?

I have in front of me everything i dreamed about all these years. But at the same time, it looks so unatengible, so unreal. I read the application. They want a portfolio. A letter of intent. An essay. Two letters of recommendation. I guess i'll put all my money together and buy the first machine, the one that fabricates time. I look through my many works that are portfolio material. Not that bad, I do have stuff, some incomplete, some pretty okay. Now, i just gotta put it together. Just put it together? How long is that gonna take? The letter of intent...that sounds important. I better start that one soon. An essay? What the hell?? Isn't the letter enough? I can't help but think that the only reason they make you write an essay is to make the program look hard and competitive and impossible to get into. They succeeded. Well, ok, i'll do that too it's not like i've never written any essay is it? Last thing are the letter of recommendations....now one things let me just check if that is optional (who knows that might be another little trick). And....no, they are not optional. Well, next step then is to think of all my teachers. Actually I guess I can do that on monday...I'll actually go see them and hopefully they'll see me and give me a hug and give me he letters and confess they are corrupt, they like me and they'll actually talk to the people at Concordia to guarantee that i'll get in. Uhu. It's ok, don't panic...I mean you only got three hundred other assignments that are due before March 1st (also my university deadline). I can do it, I just gotta stop falling asleep at night and inject caffeine on my vein. After all, it's worth it. It's definitely worth trying and much more worth it if i get accepted....oh yeah...then i'll be celebrating... and if i'm very lucky I'll still have someone to celebrate it with.

am I there yet?

2005-02-04T15:48:00.000-05:00

I miss him. That's the truth. I wish he was here and i wish he was coming out with me tonight. My two sides are colliding and I even blame myself for feeling so vulnerable. I promised that i would not write about him but i can't resist it. The one thing that makes me calmer is that i've already lived this. I mean beginnings are always like this 'i wanna be with you all the time' thing. I'm just scared to throw myself into this and realize that this is not what i want.
Yesterday, after a 15 minute make out session with drink spillage all over the desk and computer (oh yeah baby, in my office...on the desk) i just felt really really happy and i haven't felt this way in a long time. Blame romantic movies, blame valentine's day, blame the media for adding sexual connotations to everything, but i came to the conclusion that it's good being with someone, even if for now we have no official status, which brings me to another event.
He asked me if we were going out and what was going on. I just found myself not knowing what to say or feel and trying to avoid the question. Why the hell should we define things? Why do we have to call it going out? So we become exclusive? Can't we just enjoy what we got and let go from the definitions? Well that's what i wanna do, at least for now. And that's what i told him. I have too much in my mind right now and to be brutally honest i'm scared shitless of commitment and i told him that too. All i heard him say is 'don't worry i understand' which made me like him even more. Yet, i couldn't help but wonder if we would ever have to define what's going on.

Well, valentine's day is coming and I know what i wanna give him (thing is i don't have much experience with valentine's day since, for some reason, in all my relationship something always happened before Valentine's day which led to a break up). I'm giving him kiss coupons. It's pretty cool and useful :)

And it's Kris's Bday. Thing is he only sent an email to everyone inviting to go to Peel Pub which i did not appreciate one bit, he should've called me after all it's not like we're not best friends right? Didn't like that. Anyways...gonna call him and bitch and make him come to dawson to see me.

The weekend is coming and i'm not really sure if i like that since i actually have to start my letter of intent and portofolio for university. It's ok i still have a couple of hours before it's saturday, so i'm gonna enjoy these hours as much as i can before i have to do the hard work (so typical of me!)

Back....or not?

2005-02-03T13:33:00.000-05:00

It's certainly been a while and no i will not spend two hours in front of the computer explaining what's been happening. Main news now is that yes, i have been extremely busy, i'm applying to university this semester and the deadline is march 1st. School is good, not as good as i expected since i have french this semster, but it's still good.And hey, it's my last semester, soon i'll be outta college and finally going to university (hopefully). And yes, there's a boy i'm seeing. Actually to be honest i don't know exactly what's happening there, don't wanna try to define something which is not serious or laid back. I guess it's this is phase 1 and that's why i'm happy. Being in phase 1 makes me happy because hey....we don't know each other that well yet...yes i know i'm being pessimistic but that's me. I'm still working on a new layout for this blog, it's almost done i just have to find time between school, work and portofolio to finish it up....hey maybe in can put this blog in my portofolio (good excuse to work on it). I'm not gonna promise i will write everyday....but i can say one thing...i actually feel very motivated to write more often....and who knows this may actually become a daily thing....so please don't give up on me....have faith....check back soon.

Couch potato/computer junkie

2004-08-13T13:46:00.000-04:00

I've been sitting on the couch reading random blogs for three hours straight waiting for my father to get off the iMac so i can continue to work on my new design. He's been saying "i'll get of in half an hour" since i woke up which was four hours ago.

My friend called me and said she can't go clubbing tonight, which leaves me more free time to do stuff. I cannot specify what kinda stuff because i myself do not know. Movies? Web? Walk? Coffee? God help me.

I've been watching CNN since i woke up and my god....how crappy of a news channel it is. In four hours they've only talked about four things: 1) Hurricane Charley 2) Governor James E. McGreevey 3) The Laci Peterson case 4) Bush's interview with Larry King. I mean, yes these are important (except for Bush's interview which was a joke since Larry King only asks stupid and obvious qwuestions, making the interview seem more like propaganda than an actual serious interview), but please, take ninety seconds and talk about something else for God's sake. CNN is a news channel and it should be covering the maximum news possible (besides focusing on certain news). Are they under-staffed?

I'm also waiting to go get my last paycheck and i so don't feel like dealing with people today, especially my ex-boss.

bye for now wish me luck and tell me what to do tonight. please.

the simple life

2004-08-11T23:09:00.000-04:00

I quit my job three days ago. Yes, i'm happy and yes i'm finally in a state of boredom, something which i hadn't felt in a long time. It feels good. I wake up, walk around the house for a couple of minutes then make coffee. Turn on the tv and quickly put on the weather channel to decide what my plans for the day are. I usually end up staying in front of the computer for a little while, checking my email every five minutes, chatting with random people on msn and reading random blogs. Yes, it feels good. I actually have been going to the gym more often than i expected. I enjoy it. It's weird, it's not as boring as before, it feels really good. Right now i can't even put up my arms that's how much they hurt and it feels good.

I'm working on a new design and i've been trying to finish it for the past two weeks. Hopefully now that i don't have a job i'll have time. Lots of it.

I [ heart ] my home

2004-07-21T14:25:00.000-04:00

After a short and mostly relaxing trip to Toronto i returned home. The trip mostly involved long walks through downtown Toronto and an unexpected change of hotels. I will be brief. Me and a friend were on a budget and had to stay in a hostel. We get there and how nice, three rats in the patio and at night a racoon in the window. Anyways, the place was dreadful and we had to change places (which happened very quickly after a desperate call to my father who acted fast to find us another place to stay). And next day we found ourselves in the cuttest bed & breakfast, laying on our comfortable beds and enjoying the coolness of an AC.

Well, trip is finished and i'm home. During the bus trip i looked outside my window for hours and wonder about my homes. This trip to Toronto made me miss Montreal. No, no, Toronto is an amazing city, people are nice and polite, there's a lot going on there (except for the nightlife which, honestly i was very disappointed in). But after coming back from Toronto, and feeling kind of relieved coming back, i couldn't help but wonder - What defines "Home"? Is it the people that live there? Or is it a matter of being comfortable where you are? And if it is, what makes you comfotable in your "home"? Is it the way you feel when you walk and look around and finally find yourself happy where you are? Maybe home is a place that makes you happy.

Montreal makes me happy. And i feel completely comfotable calling it my home because that's where my friends are, where i built a life where i'm used to hang out, walk around. I know downtown like tha palm of my hand and i have it memorized in my head. It is city that has an amazing nightlife and millions of other things to do. It's relaxing and at the same time stressful. It's modern and old. It's fancy and casual. It's crowded but at the same time empty. It's big but also very small.

Of course, at the same time, my other "home" is where i were born, where my family is. This other place never stops being my home because that's where i spent my childhood. The memories of this place make a "home" out of it. And when i go back, the city always smells the same, the people are the same and my family is the same. It's a peaceful place because it gives you comfort and although things change, in my head they don't.

In the end it's a matter of being happy being where you are - feeling comfortable, being able to know you can rely on the people that live there.

Farenheit 9/11

2004-06-26T01:31:00.000-04:00

Just stop doing whatever you're doing and GO SEE FAHRENHEIT 9/11...that's all i have to say. MICHAEL MOORE did it again...another BRILLIANT and SIGNIFICANT film.

In terms of your job...Can you ever get used to being 'sick'?

2004-06-22T10:32:00.000-04:00

I called in sick today. Am i really sick? Yes and no. I'm not literally sick, but i am very sick when it comes to my job. I feel completely unhappy when i wake up in the morning and have to go do something i hate. It puts me down, i have no energy when i come back home. Yes, you could say 'why don't you get another job?'. Thing is right now i have no option due to my status in this country. And yes, when all this changes, i will. But for now, i have no options. It's this or nothinbg, and believe me i need the money.

I couldn't help but wonder how many people feel the same way about their jobs. And what happens when you have to do something you don't like for the rest of your life? I cannot imagine waking up in the morning for the rest of my life and going to do something i'm not passionate for. But what if you have no choice, what if you need the money? And what if earlier in your life you made plans about your future which did not turn out the way you wanted. Me, for instance. I cannot imagine myself doing anything else than films. That is my passion, it is what makes me click in the morning and something i think about as often as i think about the weekend (and believe me that is a lot). But let's say none of this becomes real? Let's say something prevents me from achieving my goals. What happens then? Yes, many people didn't exactly achieve their goals in terms of career and they still found a good job and most importantly - that makes them happy. But that is never certain. Can we still be hapy doing something we don't like? And in terms of your job...can you ever get used to being 'sick'?

One of the things that leads me to think about that, is the people at my workplace. Actually one in particular. He's in his forties and believe me he doesn't look happy when he's in there. But he has a family to support and has no choice (since it is good pay and anywhere else he would not as much money). Is he completely happy? Or does he even think about it, since it's not an option for him? I wonder if he got used to it.

I guess in the end although some of us don't achieve their dream careers what is really important is that we are happy doing whatever we're doing. Yes, we should do EVERYTHING we can to achieve our dream careers, but if something prevent us from doing so, plan B doesn't look that bad after all, giving that we don't have to call in 'sick'.

Once again...DC makeover

2004-06-21T10:40:00.000-04:00

I'm still not satisfied with the current design of this blog and i'm now working on a new one which should be up in a few days. No, i have no idea what i'm doing or what i want. Check back soon :|

Why do some of us still believe he's simply gonna fall from the sky?

2004-06-20T17:43:00.000-04:00

Yesterday i went to an amusement park here in Montreal and in the line for the splash i saw a guy who immediately fascinated me. After many exchange of glances, my friend told me that i should just go talk to him. I laughed out loud (perhaps too loud so much that him and five or six asian girls were staring) and soon panicked. Me? Go up and talk to him? What a foolish idea, how would i ever do that without being under the influence of alcohol or some kind of potion that made me not act like my normal self? My shy reaction towards the guy made me wonder. Why can't girls, in most cases, just go up to a guy and ask for his number? Why do still wait for the guy to come up to us? Is it about confidence? Fear of rejection? And if it is how are we ever gonna know that we click or not? Many girls only talk to guys, in a club, or bar or at any given place if they talk to them first. But aren't we missing out? Why do some of us still believe he's simply gonna fall from the sky?

I honestly can't remember even one time when i went up to a guy before he came up to me. Even in a bar or club if you will where people magically introduce a new side of themselves. Of course, there's always the glances which help to encourage him to come talk to you but is that enough? What if he doesn't? Haven't we, then, missed an opportunity to meet someone? Yes, i believe so, but many girls, still see the first step as being the guys' responsability. Call it double standard. I know it sounds cliche, but isn't it true that when a guy goes up to a girl in a bar (and again, at any given place) he has confidence. But if a girl decides to take the first step, is she still "easy"? I guess many girls (including myself) are afraid of that, then they decide to wait. Even though sometimes it seems obvious that both parties are attracted to each other. But i'm starting to think that this is one of the silliest things when it comes to flirtation. Why is it that the guy has to start it? Can't we just have the same opportunities and not being seen as "easy" or sometimes even "desperate"? It seems to me that by leaving that to "the guys" we are more than missing opportunities, we are also showing that we still believe that just because we take the first step we are easy, which doesn't make sense at all nowadays. Honestly ladies, how many guys have you gone up to? And when you did how did you feel? Easy? I bet not, i bet it felt good, because that shows more than having confidence, it shows that you don't care if the guy judges you. And if he does, fuck him, you're gonna do what you want and get as many numbers as you godamn want. Hey that sounds nice. I guess it's time for me to stop being so judgemental on myself and just have fun. And that's what it is. I guess in the end is not about as much as being "easy", i guess in the end it all comes down to judging ourselves and missing the fun.

2004-06-19T00:35:00.000-04:00

Remember those times when we had all the time in the world and our only worry was to pick a place to go or who to call. Those times when we didn't make as much money as we do now but still we had the best of times? Friends were around all the time and it was rare to be alone. When did it start being serious? Does it have to do with age, needs, different goals? Do we all miss that and if we do, did we know that every summer was going to, actually, not make much difference compared to the rest of the year when we are all the time busy, running around? Is this how it goes? And if it does, WHERE DID IT ALL GO? Summer is here, and everyday I find I'm wasting it all away, I work like mad come home and I'm dead tired. And believe me that's not what I planned at all for my summer. Actually, before summer comes, last month of school, I was all excited, planning to do this and that and I haven't done any of those things yet simply because I don't have any time. My summer is like any month of the year, busy. So, as we get older, I imagine, summer becomes meaningless, it is just another season, another three months. Besides, it became so hard to get all your friends together, they all have their lives and little time to simply "hang out". And it is this "hanging out" thing that I'm talking about. There's no "hanging out" anymore. Sure, when we did hang out we didn't make as much money as now because we worked less hours or didn't have jobs, but does all this money compensate the time that flies? We are twenty only once in our lives so are we wasting our time by assuming new responsibilities in a time when it should be fun? Or the whole "working like mad and making mad money" compensate the fun we are not having? I love the money that I make, but at the same time I get so tired and at night, although I'm dead tired I still call my friends and want to hang out, I still stay up till late to compensate for the the time I sometimes think I'm wasting and yes, I look forward Fridays as never before and count the days till the weekend because that is the only time I have to live the summer. In the end, can we have both fun and responsibilities? And if so, can we still enjoy our summers like we did three or four years ago?