How dangerous can out thoughts be?

I'm sitting in the union's office, staring at the computer screen and googling anything that comes to mind. How pathetic. All my friends are doing something right now and Chris left for his Intensive class.

Yesterday evening, on my way back from babysitting i saw Steve in the metro. I kept going up the escalator and i guess he thought i wasn't gonna stop to talk to him. But i did. I'm not going to lie. I still feel that sexual tension between us. It's so obvious, especially when i try not to look at him. We talked for a bit, which felt like too much. He told me that he stop looking for a girlfriend and i pretended to be happy for him and told him that now i was sure that he was gonna find someone. Everytime he mentions Chris it's i feel like he thinks that i'm just dating Chris to get back at him for not have approched me. It's not, right? No It's not that.

Yet, the thought really bothered me. Can you get to a future if your past is not cleared out? Do we have to solve whetever issues were left behind? Or are we able to ignore them completely and just go on living our lives? The issue here is not so much Steve but the fact that i still thought about him in ways that i shouldn't. Does it really matter after all? Am i being too much of a saint? And if i am still thinking about Steve that way what happens to everything i said to Chris? Does it change? Does it have less value? Is it all a lie? And worse of all...am i deceiving myself?

It stresses me out to think about it. I mean, he said that he thought i was the one for him, but is he the one for me? And should i even be thinking about these things at age twenty one?

Ironically i just got a headache.

As i previously mentioned Chris went to his Intensive today. I was jealous of all those bitches in his program and told him that he knows what would happen if he did something with one of them. I despise being like this and to be honest i don't think Chris would cheat on me, it's just not in his character. Yet, i caught myself wondering if i would ever cheat on him and just the thought made me feel as small as ever. Have i changed that much since i met Chris? Is it possible that i ever will?

The wait for the one...done?

So i'm back in school and counting the days for it to be over. There's five weeks left and i find myself wanting to stay up for two days straight wanting to finish everything ahead of time and getting it over with.

My break ended very well. Me and Chris spent an awesome end of afternoon together yesterday and he brought me a surprise. He actually made little chocolates for me. I told him i can make him rice and that's about it. After having pizza and going for tea (yes, i'm cutting down on caffeine and i actually found out that i can really enjoy tea). We talked for hours and soon after our first silent moment he asked me the following question: Do you think of us together in the future? Of course i had to make things more comlicated for him and asked him to define future "family kinda future" he said. I knew he was gonna ask me that. Don't ask me why, it was just a feeling (how scary). I answered with some hesitation that yes, i did and i tried not to 'cause i mean i'm 121 and he's 118 (almost 119). We were both completely red yet, we still kinda talked about it. And i said that the reason why i tried to avoid thinking about it is because i just never thought it was gonna happen for me to find someone that i wanted to spend a loooong time with by the time i was twenty one. It's scary i can't deny it and yes, i do have many doubts but so far i can honetsly say that i'm completely in love with crhsi and that i would wanna marry him if we stayed together for a long time. And he explained why he had asked me the other day how my parents met and also that he wanted to get at my dad's good side to, one day, ask him his permission to marry me. Yeah that's right my heart stopped for a few seconds there. Crazy conversation.

I spent a very nice weekend at Kris's house and we had a lot of fun. I miss us. It was awesome we are really close and we went for tea and talked about random stuff. Funny thing is i told him that i could really see myself with Chris in the future (yes, i said that before Chris asked me that). Really odd.

The Conversation Test

After a long day walking around the mall i met shawn for coffee and out of the blue he made a comment about me having a boyfriend. "That's so cool, you have a boyfriend" were his exact words. It's funny 'cause that immediately made me realize that me and Chris have been together for almost two months. Wow you say, almost two months. But that's a lot for me considering that two months and a half ago i was a cold hearted bitch who wanted to bnecome a lesbian and possibly murder all ex-boyfriends, flings and fancies i had in the past twenty one years. Not Bad.

The conversation followed by me saying that everything is as perfect as it can get. Yet, sometimes i find myself wanting some drama. You know, drama..."i hate you...I love you...i don't wanna see you ever again...don't ever leave me" kinda drama. I find that some drama is not bad. It actually adds to the relationship. I said "some drama", which is, of course, not the whole soapopera kinda drama.

Me and Chris spent a great afternoon together. Went to a buffet and talked about random stuff. Yes, that's right...we talked. I told shawn that Chris is passing one of my main tests which is the "conversation test". Let me explain. Most of the boyfrineds i've had were never really the talking kind. No, i'm lying. In most of my past relationships i can't remember me and my exes spending a whole afternoon together talking. Talking is one of the main "traits" of a friendship, right? Right. And Friendship is, in my opinion one of the main things in a relationship. There you go. All i meant to say is that, yes, there are some silent moments but i don't feel uncomfortable and looking out the window to comment on the weather. Yet, most of the time we just talk and that's cool 'cause that means he is not only my boyfriend but also my friend. I'm starting to sound like a retard.

I also met his sister and she is pretty cool. Chris told me that she liked me. Okay, next step is his mom. Yes, i'm bound to meet his mom pretty soon. Scary, eh? I'm certainly shitting on my pants.

Chris started blogging a couple of days ago but we decided not to show each other our blogs 'cause if we do i can't write stuff about him or anything that has to do with him. No, that can't happen. Yes, i'm very curious to read his blog, maybe i'll find it one day. And yes, i've tried google.

I'm on spring break right now...can't wait till summer.