Caroline in Applicationland and other stories.

If someone invented a machine that fabricated time i'm sure he would be the richest person in the world. And he'd deserve the wealth. If you think about it, although most of us don't wanna admit, our lives revolve around time, time for school, time to eat, time to get up and go to bed, time to have sex, time to take showers. And even when we're on vacation we, more or less guide our activities through our watch, time to go to the beach and the right time to get a tan (since it's not advisable to get sun from 10 to 3). No matter where we choose to go or what we choose to do time is always there, it's one of the only things that follows us 24/7, night and day and it's certain that it'll always be there.

I have now in front of me Concordia University's application. It's here, right in front of me and i can't hlp but simply stare at it and hope that my hands will at some point reach for a pen. Yes, i'm scared. It sounds very cliche, but i honestly thought this moment was never going to come, and believe me, i was happy with it not coming, i was happy with the idea that one day and a long time from now it was gonna come. But hey, it's here. Maybe the same guy who would invent that machine that fabricates time could also invent a machine to go back in time and freeze there. Two machines, both related to time. In this situation, i can't help but think that we are slaves of time and if we are is time the only thing that really counts?

I have in front of me everything i dreamed about all these years. But at the same time, it looks so unatengible, so unreal. I read the application. They want a portfolio. A letter of intent. An essay. Two letters of recommendation. I guess i'll put all my money together and buy the first machine, the one that fabricates time. I look through my many works that are portfolio material. Not that bad, I do have stuff, some incomplete, some pretty okay. Now, i just gotta put it together. Just put it together? How long is that gonna take? The letter of intent...that sounds important. I better start that one soon. An essay? What the hell?? Isn't the letter enough? I can't help but think that the only reason they make you write an essay is to make the program look hard and competitive and impossible to get into. They succeeded. Well, ok, i'll do that too it's not like i've never written any essay is it? Last thing are the letter of recommendations....now one things let me just check if that is optional (who knows that might be another little trick). And....no, they are not optional. Well, next step then is to think of all my teachers. Actually I guess I can do that on monday...I'll actually go see them and hopefully they'll see me and give me a hug and give me he letters and confess they are corrupt, they like me and they'll actually talk to the people at Concordia to guarantee that i'll get in. Uhu. It's ok, don't panic...I mean you only got three hundred other assignments that are due before March 1st (also my university deadline). I can do it, I just gotta stop falling asleep at night and inject caffeine on my vein. After all, it's worth it. It's definitely worth trying and much more worth it if i get accepted....oh yeah...then i'll be celebrating... and if i'm very lucky I'll still have someone to celebrate it with.

am I there yet?

I miss him. That's the truth. I wish he was here and i wish he was coming out with me tonight. My two sides are colliding and I even blame myself for feeling so vulnerable. I promised that i would not write about him but i can't resist it. The one thing that makes me calmer is that i've already lived this. I mean beginnings are always like this 'i wanna be with you all the time' thing. I'm just scared to throw myself into this and realize that this is not what i want.
Yesterday, after a 15 minute make out session with drink spillage all over the desk and computer (oh yeah baby, in my office...on the desk) i just felt really really happy and i haven't felt this way in a long time. Blame romantic movies, blame valentine's day, blame the media for adding sexual connotations to everything, but i came to the conclusion that it's good being with someone, even if for now we have no official status, which brings me to another event.
He asked me if we were going out and what was going on. I just found myself not knowing what to say or feel and trying to avoid the question. Why the hell should we define things? Why do we have to call it going out? So we become exclusive? Can't we just enjoy what we got and let go from the definitions? Well that's what i wanna do, at least for now. And that's what i told him. I have too much in my mind right now and to be brutally honest i'm scared shitless of commitment and i told him that too. All i heard him say is 'don't worry i understand' which made me like him even more. Yet, i couldn't help but wonder if we would ever have to define what's going on.

Well, valentine's day is coming and I know what i wanna give him (thing is i don't have much experience with valentine's day since, for some reason, in all my relationship something always happened before Valentine's day which led to a break up). I'm giving him kiss coupons. It's pretty cool and useful :)

And it's Kris's Bday. Thing is he only sent an email to everyone inviting to go to Peel Pub which i did not appreciate one bit, he should've called me after all it's not like we're not best friends right? Didn't like that. Anyways...gonna call him and bitch and make him come to dawson to see me.

The weekend is coming and i'm not really sure if i like that since i actually have to start my letter of intent and portofolio for university. It's ok i still have a couple of hours before it's saturday, so i'm gonna enjoy these hours as much as i can before i have to do the hard work (so typical of me!)

Back....or not?

It's certainly been a while and no i will not spend two hours in front of the computer explaining what's been happening. Main news now is that yes, i have been extremely busy, i'm applying to university this semester and the deadline is march 1st. School is good, not as good as i expected since i have french this semster, but it's still good.And hey, it's my last semester, soon i'll be outta college and finally going to university (hopefully). And yes, there's a boy i'm seeing. Actually to be honest i don't know exactly what's happening there, don't wanna try to define something which is not serious or laid back. I guess it's this is phase 1 and that's why i'm happy. Being in phase 1 makes me happy because hey....we don't know each other that well yet...yes i know i'm being pessimistic but that's me. I'm still working on a new layout for this blog, it's almost done i just have to find time between school, work and portofolio to finish it up....hey maybe in can put this blog in my portofolio (good excuse to work on it). I'm not gonna promise i will write everyday....but i can say one thing...i actually feel very motivated to write more often....and who knows this may actually become a daily thing....so please don't give up on me....have faith....check back soon.