How dangerous can out thoughts be?

I'm sitting in the union's office, staring at the computer screen and googling anything that comes to mind. How pathetic. All my friends are doing something right now and Chris left for his Intensive class.

Yesterday evening, on my way back from babysitting i saw Steve in the metro. I kept going up the escalator and i guess he thought i wasn't gonna stop to talk to him. But i did. I'm not going to lie. I still feel that sexual tension between us. It's so obvious, especially when i try not to look at him. We talked for a bit, which felt like too much. He told me that he stop looking for a girlfriend and i pretended to be happy for him and told him that now i was sure that he was gonna find someone. Everytime he mentions Chris it's i feel like he thinks that i'm just dating Chris to get back at him for not have approched me. It's not, right? No It's not that.

Yet, the thought really bothered me. Can you get to a future if your past is not cleared out? Do we have to solve whetever issues were left behind? Or are we able to ignore them completely and just go on living our lives? The issue here is not so much Steve but the fact that i still thought about him in ways that i shouldn't. Does it really matter after all? Am i being too much of a saint? And if i am still thinking about Steve that way what happens to everything i said to Chris? Does it change? Does it have less value? Is it all a lie? And worse of all...am i deceiving myself?

It stresses me out to think about it. I mean, he said that he thought i was the one for him, but is he the one for me? And should i even be thinking about these things at age twenty one?

Ironically i just got a headache.

As i previously mentioned Chris went to his Intensive today. I was jealous of all those bitches in his program and told him that he knows what would happen if he did something with one of them. I despise being like this and to be honest i don't think Chris would cheat on me, it's just not in his character. Yet, i caught myself wondering if i would ever cheat on him and just the thought made me feel as small as ever. Have i changed that much since i met Chris? Is it possible that i ever will?