How dangerous can out thoughts be?

I'm sitting in the union's office, staring at the computer screen and googling anything that comes to mind. How pathetic. All my friends are doing something right now and Chris left for his Intensive class.

Yesterday evening, on my way back from babysitting i saw Steve in the metro. I kept going up the escalator and i guess he thought i wasn't gonna stop to talk to him. But i did. I'm not going to lie. I still feel that sexual tension between us. It's so obvious, especially when i try not to look at him. We talked for a bit, which felt like too much. He told me that he stop looking for a girlfriend and i pretended to be happy for him and told him that now i was sure that he was gonna find someone. Everytime he mentions Chris it's i feel like he thinks that i'm just dating Chris to get back at him for not have approched me. It's not, right? No It's not that.

Yet, the thought really bothered me. Can you get to a future if your past is not cleared out? Do we have to solve whetever issues were left behind? Or are we able to ignore them completely and just go on living our lives? The issue here is not so much Steve but the fact that i still thought about him in ways that i shouldn't. Does it really matter after all? Am i being too much of a saint? And if i am still thinking about Steve that way what happens to everything i said to Chris? Does it change? Does it have less value? Is it all a lie? And worse of all...am i deceiving myself?

It stresses me out to think about it. I mean, he said that he thought i was the one for him, but is he the one for me? And should i even be thinking about these things at age twenty one?

Ironically i just got a headache.

As i previously mentioned Chris went to his Intensive today. I was jealous of all those bitches in his program and told him that he knows what would happen if he did something with one of them. I despise being like this and to be honest i don't think Chris would cheat on me, it's just not in his character. Yet, i caught myself wondering if i would ever cheat on him and just the thought made me feel as small as ever. Have i changed that much since i met Chris? Is it possible that i ever will?

The wait for the one...done?

So i'm back in school and counting the days for it to be over. There's five weeks left and i find myself wanting to stay up for two days straight wanting to finish everything ahead of time and getting it over with.

My break ended very well. Me and Chris spent an awesome end of afternoon together yesterday and he brought me a surprise. He actually made little chocolates for me. I told him i can make him rice and that's about it. After having pizza and going for tea (yes, i'm cutting down on caffeine and i actually found out that i can really enjoy tea). We talked for hours and soon after our first silent moment he asked me the following question: Do you think of us together in the future? Of course i had to make things more comlicated for him and asked him to define future "family kinda future" he said. I knew he was gonna ask me that. Don't ask me why, it was just a feeling (how scary). I answered with some hesitation that yes, i did and i tried not to 'cause i mean i'm 121 and he's 118 (almost 119). We were both completely red yet, we still kinda talked about it. And i said that the reason why i tried to avoid thinking about it is because i just never thought it was gonna happen for me to find someone that i wanted to spend a loooong time with by the time i was twenty one. It's scary i can't deny it and yes, i do have many doubts but so far i can honetsly say that i'm completely in love with crhsi and that i would wanna marry him if we stayed together for a long time. And he explained why he had asked me the other day how my parents met and also that he wanted to get at my dad's good side to, one day, ask him his permission to marry me. Yeah that's right my heart stopped for a few seconds there. Crazy conversation.

I spent a very nice weekend at Kris's house and we had a lot of fun. I miss us. It was awesome we are really close and we went for tea and talked about random stuff. Funny thing is i told him that i could really see myself with Chris in the future (yes, i said that before Chris asked me that). Really odd.

The Conversation Test

After a long day walking around the mall i met shawn for coffee and out of the blue he made a comment about me having a boyfriend. "That's so cool, you have a boyfriend" were his exact words. It's funny 'cause that immediately made me realize that me and Chris have been together for almost two months. Wow you say, almost two months. But that's a lot for me considering that two months and a half ago i was a cold hearted bitch who wanted to bnecome a lesbian and possibly murder all ex-boyfriends, flings and fancies i had in the past twenty one years. Not Bad.

The conversation followed by me saying that everything is as perfect as it can get. Yet, sometimes i find myself wanting some drama. You know, drama..."i hate you...I love you...i don't wanna see you ever again...don't ever leave me" kinda drama. I find that some drama is not bad. It actually adds to the relationship. I said "some drama", which is, of course, not the whole soapopera kinda drama.

Me and Chris spent a great afternoon together. Went to a buffet and talked about random stuff. Yes, that's right...we talked. I told shawn that Chris is passing one of my main tests which is the "conversation test". Let me explain. Most of the boyfrineds i've had were never really the talking kind. No, i'm lying. In most of my past relationships i can't remember me and my exes spending a whole afternoon together talking. Talking is one of the main "traits" of a friendship, right? Right. And Friendship is, in my opinion one of the main things in a relationship. There you go. All i meant to say is that, yes, there are some silent moments but i don't feel uncomfortable and looking out the window to comment on the weather. Yet, most of the time we just talk and that's cool 'cause that means he is not only my boyfriend but also my friend. I'm starting to sound like a retard.

I also met his sister and she is pretty cool. Chris told me that she liked me. Okay, next step is his mom. Yes, i'm bound to meet his mom pretty soon. Scary, eh? I'm certainly shitting on my pants.

Chris started blogging a couple of days ago but we decided not to show each other our blogs 'cause if we do i can't write stuff about him or anything that has to do with him. No, that can't happen. Yes, i'm very curious to read his blog, maybe i'll find it one day. And yes, i've tried google.

I'm on spring break right now...can't wait till summer.

Caroline in Applicationland and other stories.

If someone invented a machine that fabricated time i'm sure he would be the richest person in the world. And he'd deserve the wealth. If you think about it, although most of us don't wanna admit, our lives revolve around time, time for school, time to eat, time to get up and go to bed, time to have sex, time to take showers. And even when we're on vacation we, more or less guide our activities through our watch, time to go to the beach and the right time to get a tan (since it's not advisable to get sun from 10 to 3). No matter where we choose to go or what we choose to do time is always there, it's one of the only things that follows us 24/7, night and day and it's certain that it'll always be there.

I have now in front of me Concordia University's application. It's here, right in front of me and i can't hlp but simply stare at it and hope that my hands will at some point reach for a pen. Yes, i'm scared. It sounds very cliche, but i honestly thought this moment was never going to come, and believe me, i was happy with it not coming, i was happy with the idea that one day and a long time from now it was gonna come. But hey, it's here. Maybe the same guy who would invent that machine that fabricates time could also invent a machine to go back in time and freeze there. Two machines, both related to time. In this situation, i can't help but think that we are slaves of time and if we are is time the only thing that really counts?

I have in front of me everything i dreamed about all these years. But at the same time, it looks so unatengible, so unreal. I read the application. They want a portfolio. A letter of intent. An essay. Two letters of recommendation. I guess i'll put all my money together and buy the first machine, the one that fabricates time. I look through my many works that are portfolio material. Not that bad, I do have stuff, some incomplete, some pretty okay. Now, i just gotta put it together. Just put it together? How long is that gonna take? The letter of intent...that sounds important. I better start that one soon. An essay? What the hell?? Isn't the letter enough? I can't help but think that the only reason they make you write an essay is to make the program look hard and competitive and impossible to get into. They succeeded. Well, ok, i'll do that too it's not like i've never written any essay is it? Last thing are the letter of recommendations....now one things let me just check if that is optional (who knows that might be another little trick). And....no, they are not optional. Well, next step then is to think of all my teachers. Actually I guess I can do that on monday...I'll actually go see them and hopefully they'll see me and give me a hug and give me he letters and confess they are corrupt, they like me and they'll actually talk to the people at Concordia to guarantee that i'll get in. Uhu. It's ok, don't panic...I mean you only got three hundred other assignments that are due before March 1st (also my university deadline). I can do it, I just gotta stop falling asleep at night and inject caffeine on my vein. After all, it's worth it. It's definitely worth trying and much more worth it if i get accepted....oh yeah...then i'll be celebrating... and if i'm very lucky I'll still have someone to celebrate it with.

am I there yet?

I miss him. That's the truth. I wish he was here and i wish he was coming out with me tonight. My two sides are colliding and I even blame myself for feeling so vulnerable. I promised that i would not write about him but i can't resist it. The one thing that makes me calmer is that i've already lived this. I mean beginnings are always like this 'i wanna be with you all the time' thing. I'm just scared to throw myself into this and realize that this is not what i want.
Yesterday, after a 15 minute make out session with drink spillage all over the desk and computer (oh yeah baby, in my office...on the desk) i just felt really really happy and i haven't felt this way in a long time. Blame romantic movies, blame valentine's day, blame the media for adding sexual connotations to everything, but i came to the conclusion that it's good being with someone, even if for now we have no official status, which brings me to another event.
He asked me if we were going out and what was going on. I just found myself not knowing what to say or feel and trying to avoid the question. Why the hell should we define things? Why do we have to call it going out? So we become exclusive? Can't we just enjoy what we got and let go from the definitions? Well that's what i wanna do, at least for now. And that's what i told him. I have too much in my mind right now and to be brutally honest i'm scared shitless of commitment and i told him that too. All i heard him say is 'don't worry i understand' which made me like him even more. Yet, i couldn't help but wonder if we would ever have to define what's going on.

Well, valentine's day is coming and I know what i wanna give him (thing is i don't have much experience with valentine's day since, for some reason, in all my relationship something always happened before Valentine's day which led to a break up). I'm giving him kiss coupons. It's pretty cool and useful :)

And it's Kris's Bday. Thing is he only sent an email to everyone inviting to go to Peel Pub which i did not appreciate one bit, he should've called me after all it's not like we're not best friends right? Didn't like that. Anyways...gonna call him and bitch and make him come to dawson to see me.

The weekend is coming and i'm not really sure if i like that since i actually have to start my letter of intent and portofolio for university. It's ok i still have a couple of hours before it's saturday, so i'm gonna enjoy these hours as much as i can before i have to do the hard work (so typical of me!)

Back....or not?

It's certainly been a while and no i will not spend two hours in front of the computer explaining what's been happening. Main news now is that yes, i have been extremely busy, i'm applying to university this semester and the deadline is march 1st. School is good, not as good as i expected since i have french this semster, but it's still good.And hey, it's my last semester, soon i'll be outta college and finally going to university (hopefully). And yes, there's a boy i'm seeing. Actually to be honest i don't know exactly what's happening there, don't wanna try to define something which is not serious or laid back. I guess it's this is phase 1 and that's why i'm happy. Being in phase 1 makes me happy because hey....we don't know each other that well yet...yes i know i'm being pessimistic but that's me. I'm still working on a new layout for this blog, it's almost done i just have to find time between school, work and portofolio to finish it up....hey maybe in can put this blog in my portofolio (good excuse to work on it). I'm not gonna promise i will write everyday....but i can say one thing...i actually feel very motivated to write more often....and who knows this may actually become a daily thing....so please don't give up on me....have faith....check back soon.

Couch potato/computer junkie

I've been sitting on the couch reading random blogs for three hours straight waiting for my father to get off the iMac so i can continue to work on my new design. He's been saying "i'll get of in half an hour" since i woke up which was four hours ago.

My friend called me and said she can't go clubbing tonight, which leaves me more free time to do stuff. I cannot specify what kinda stuff because i myself do not know. Movies? Web? Walk? Coffee? God help me.

I've been watching CNN since i woke up and my god....how crappy of a news channel it is. In four hours they've only talked about four things: 1) Hurricane Charley 2) Governor James E. McGreevey 3) The Laci Peterson case 4) Bush's interview with Larry King. I mean, yes these are important (except for Bush's interview which was a joke since Larry King only asks stupid and obvious qwuestions, making the interview seem more like propaganda than an actual serious interview), but please, take ninety seconds and talk about something else for God's sake. CNN is a news channel and it should be covering the maximum news possible (besides focusing on certain news). Are they under-staffed?

I'm also waiting to go get my last paycheck and i so don't feel like dealing with people today, especially my ex-boss.

bye for now wish me luck and tell me what to do tonight. please.